B A D B R E A T H
Take
a breath. Make it a deep, long breath ... Now try it without coughing. Do it
again. And again. See that? I bet I got you to do that for the rest of your
life now. Breathing is a habit that is hard to break, and now you're hooked!
Why
do we breathe? I have my own theories.
Breathing
is only done when bored. It's a fact. And I'll be the first to prove it. Now
think about it, isn't that the only time you have noticed your breathing, when
you're thinking about it? Most of the time you don't even think about
breathing-- and that's because you're not! People just sit there with nothing
to do and they happen to think about breathing, so they start. They take a deep
breath, then another, and soon end up gasping for air. But that's only because
they are thinking about it. You don't need it!
You
can prove it for yourself. Now take your mind off breathing, totally. Think of
something else, say… air, for example.
O.K.
Ready? One, two three, four, fi… Now stop! Are you breathing? Oh yea, sure, now
you are, because you're thinking about it. But at that second, when your
thoughts returned from that other thought to breathing, were you breathing?
Think about it. No, of course you weren't. Because there is no need to breathe.
It's psychological. It's all in your mind (which at least proves there's
something up there amongst the cobwebs.)
I may
go down in history for this great realization. This could be more important
than my stand against the typewriter companies. I'll be labeled as a genius.
Millions will come to hear me speak at Bingo tournaments. My name in all the
history books. My picture in coloring books. I may even get an academy award!
Air
is stupid anyway. You can’t convince me that it’s in water, because when you
take a fish out of water and let him breathe pure air – he dies! So if there
was air in water, it would kill him. Who needs it? H20. H20! H20? What a dumb
way to spell water. Why can't those crazy scientists be like the rest of us and
spell this normally? If the had to write it in symbols couldn't they have at
least made it WeT2r. How come air has no chemical symbols, if it did would it
be A1R? Where “A” would stand for airline exhaust and “R” would
stand for Refried beans.
I
guess the reason scientists call water H20 is because of the hydrogen and
oxygen in it. Which is another reason I also believe drinking or bathing aren’t
good. After all, who wants the impurities of air in the forms of hydrogen and
oxygen creatures to climb all over them or even to enter into their system? I
think the hydrogen creatures are more neutral in and upon the system – it’s
definitely the oxygen creatures that are the worst. Just breathe once and,
before you know it, you have millions of oxygen creatures crawling around
inside you. The hydrogen creatures aren't quite as bad, they pretty well stay
put. But you have to watch those little oxygen buggers, they're so restless!
Oxygen creatures breed faster too…
It’s
a new-age fallacy that we have to breath. You have all those gurus out there
trying to teach you to breathe – that’s because you don’t – not unless you’re
thinking about it. So many charge you to teach you how to breathe, I think it
would be money better spent to learn how not to breathe. Free yourself from
your unnecessary addictions!
When
you weigh the validity of this axiom please do not consider the source, just
try to pretend that someone half sane is putting forth this idea. Remember, as
Don Marquis once said:
"An
idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it."
Changing
the subject, without deferring far from the original idea of this article, I
wanted to answer a common type of letter I'm always getting. People from all over
the world write to me and complain (usually at the end of their long,
complementary letter). I figure they suppose they must throw in one complaint,
because if their letters were all complementary then they would seem false
praise and not be taken sincerely. The one, and only, complaint by the adoring public is that my
articles are always too serious. They are tired of crying and gnashing their
teeth. It is said I should try to show the lighter side of my meaningful
topics. Even though I take my writing very seriously, I think it is also important
to comply with the wishes and whims of my readers even if it's something that I
feel ruins the article.
So,
in cooperation with the whims of my readers, in my never-ending attempt to be
everything to everybody, I would like to cover not only the heavy, deep side of
my topics, but also the lighter side. I would like to show that I can be light
headed as well as hard. This is the first article I am to attempt this
endeavor. If it goes well, and has a good response and makes me a lot of money,
who knows, I may sellout many times in the future ...
So,
on the lighter side of… hmmm. What was I talking about earlier? What was the
purpose of this article? You don't remember either, huh? Or possibly you never
knew! Well, let us just turn back a bit. No, I promise you don't have to reread
it.
Oh yea!
I was talking about air and all its advantages. So…!
On
the lighter side of air -------------------------- Helium!
Thinking
(lightly) of You,
èim Uhr
P.S:
HaH! I caught you not breathing again!
But,
proving that you are a hopeless creature
of
habit, I bet you started again as soon as I
brought
it up again. This concludes another
one
of my breathtaking articles ........... gasp …