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Fuel Shortage

What Editors Are Doing About The Present Fuel Shortage



Without inventors where would we be? Could civilization have possible come this far? Would you even be here? Probably not, because without my typewriter I could not have typed this, and therefore you couldn’t read it (my long-hand is unintelligible, most of the time even to me), and so you wouldn’t be here reading this. You would probably be somewhere else having fun.

Almost every object in use to man has been improved or renovated in the last forty years. Except items like the toothpick and the handkerchief. Yet, even these two have been said to have been hardened and softened (although I’m not sure which has been hardened and which softened), in the last ten years.

So with winters getting colder and colder, and the snow multiplying (population explosion) over the years, I want to take a look at some of the improvements for common items which hope to see the penguins through another bitter winter.

And all this talk about global warming can be ignored. These scientists use facts and statistics to back them up, but I say if we ignore it, it won’t happen. This is a big world, if it gets unbearable in one part, then just move. They always try to make things complicated by using their knowledge and acting superior. But life is really simple, thus making the simple-minded always in the right. Ignorance is bliss – the Bible says so. End of argument.

Enough said about that. Now on to ways to warm your hearts and your toes…

The Fireplace.

The fireplace utilizes burnables, such as logs, papers, banana peels, and rejected manuscripts in an effort to warm a chilly winter home. But in the last few years, through modern inventions, keep and care of the common fireplace has been vastly improved. You know of the bellow, stirring rod, and that little shovel, usually officially referred to as “that little shovel.” But these are all old fashioned, it not ancient items to aid in the up-keep and proper utilization of the fireplace. I’m not sure how, for I’ve had a fireplace for years and of the above mentioned items I have really only used that stirring stick – as mostly just a stick to stir up the fire and watch the sparks fly. It is a nice instrument for playing with fire.

But what I really want to do here is to point out the improvements on the common items and the inventions of new ones.

Fuel To Burn.

Wood: Artificial logs. With the growing cost of wood items this seemed like a “natural” to come out with. The claim is that these logs burn up to three hours – But don’t believe them. It takes only about twenty minutes for one of these logs to lose its flame, after that it smolders for two hours and forty minutes. Don’t believe the rumors that these logs are made from recycled baby diapers – it’s not true.

Liquid Fuel

They have come up with a new liquid that you can pour on your wood, making it last up to three times as long while adding a strawberry fragrance to your home. This liquid words well, but I have found one that works better… gasoline. Just pour a couple of gallons onto your fireplace and light it. The best thing about this idea is that you don’t need any other source of combustibles, and the fire lasts for hours, sometimes days (depending on the size of the house).

Fire Aides

New improved bellows! Everyone who ever owned one of the old fashioned bellows found out soon enough that the air extracted from them wasn’t enough to knock a fly off an ice cube (talk about cold feet) – let alone keep a fire going. With the new electric bellow you no longer have to worry about having enough blowing power to keep the fire going. It works on a common 240-volt household outlet (think electric dryer) and twelve size C batteries. It has a fuel injected 1.5 horsepower turbo engine, and the deluxe model comes with racing stripes and a spoiler. Note: All trap doors and vents should be closed before using, not to mention all windows and doors. Has been known to blow contents of fireplace out open vents.

Waterproof Matches

Old style matches – New style fibers! These matches are totally resistant to water, dirt, or stomping feet. Once you strike one up they are virtually indestructible! To dispose of just toss into the fireplace and let it burn itself out. These specially designed matches have been known to last up to twelve hours. Many times they will outlast anything else in your fireplace. These space age matches will still be going strong after all else has been reduced to ashes. (Not recommended for lighting birthday candles.)


These are just some of the new inventions for the fireplace. There are many others I could come up with off the top of my head, but due to lack of interest, these are all that I will touch upon.

One final note. I have found a way to get free burnables for your fireplace. Interested?

Well, here’s how. Just go to your local library and pick out a well-known, not too long, book. Get it from the fiction section. Type the novel up, word for word, on regular typing paper. Take one sheet of paper and make up a name for it, make sure it’s different from the original book. Then underneath the title, type in your name (after-all you need to let it be known that you’re the one who typed it).

When all through with all the typing, get a list of publishers and send the stack of type pages to the first one on the list. Then, when it’s returned you send it off to the next one on down the list, and so on. One very important thing to remember is to make sure that along with all the pages you send a short letter that just says that this would be your first sale.

After a short time you will have built up an impressive pile of rejection slips, suitable only for burning.

Stay warm!


                                           Rightfully Yours,

èim  Uhr



P.S.       When I write articles like this, so heavy with facts,

                   it can get a bit tiring and strenuous. I get so fired up.

                   But then, afterward, I’m burned out. I get a little                                         dizzy from such technical talk. I think I had better go lie                               down.

In Keeping with the spirit of the off-season, how about a seasonal VIDEO?


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