U H R t h
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Sex Can Be Fun

S E X    C A N    B E     F U N



Hi! Yes, it's me again.

You may have seen articles from me in the past, unless you live in your attic and can't read (or are trying to make people believe that this is so). With such famed titles as "Off Key" and "Reason to Write" under my belt, I can't imagine anyone not having heard of me.

You may have seen them, but that doesn't mean you’ve read them. Maybe you won't even read this one. I have to admit that there are probably many people who have never seen my name or even know that I exist. I know that there are many people out there that spend the better part of their time watching "Charlie’s' Angels" reruns or locked in their cellar and may not come out often enough to keep in touch with the new and inspiring things that are going on in the outside world (like me). And sometimes I think that those are the only type of people who would enjoy reading anything by me.

I want my name to be known. After all, it's short and sweet, just six (count-um) letters. With a name like that, you have to read my material. Maybe it's up to me to go around unlocking cellar doors to gather my future readers. The key is locked securely in the safe.

But wait one second, okay, make it six seconds…

My name doesn't appear until the end of this article, so what's to hold the readers attention until they reach the end? After all, this just looks like any old article about politics, the latest tragedy, science, or something equally unimportant, and won't be recognized as a piece of art that everyone should read, until the end? Since most Homo sapiens in this Country read from top to bottom, they will come across my name last. So the chances of my getting read are not very… wait six seconds! The first thing that the average person reads is the title. So if I can make the title as exciting as the end I have it made! After all, the beginning and the end are the most important part of any work of art. What comes in-between is always just a bunch of meaningless words anyway (or aren't you familiar with my work?) 

Since I have the best possible endings of all, my name, I must work on the title. I can fill the in-between with any ol’ garbage and it won't really matter as long as I find a catchy title.

"A good title is the title of a successful book."— Raymond Chandlek.

Take a look at the back jacket of almost any novel. It may sound exciting, but it rarely has anything to do with what's in the book. That's because the paragraphs found on the back of all books are written long before the book was even thought of. What happens is each year the publishers hire junior high students to write a paragraph on any thing that happens to come to their mind at the moment they put the pen in their hands. The paragraphs are stacked up in a storage room for later use. Then when one is needed for a book, they go into the pile and randomly draw one out. If you have never been in a publishing house then shut-up, I don't want to hear from you. If you have been in one then you have just never been in that room. You can understand that the publishers don't want you to see these rooms because you might stop reading what's on the back of their books and start reading what's inside of them. Then the publishers would really be in trouble!

"I like prefaces. I read them. Sometimes I do not read any further." — Malcolm Lowry.

So now that that is straightened away and my readers are truly enlightened, I'll get back to the title, or the lack of it. Of course, as you are reading this you wonder what all the fuss is about since you already know what the title is. But I, the writer, have no idea. Maybe, to give you the true feel of this article and what I am going through, I should put the title at the end. Therefore we will both become aware of the title at the same point in the article. It might be a wise ploy to keep you in suspense as you read through this, searching for the title.

The point of this whole article is how important the title is. The title was the device I wanted to use to get people to read this article so that they would come to the end, where my name shines and delights the average set of eyes that come across it. So even if putting the title at the end makes what's in-between more interesting and possibly even helps it to make sense, it's not worth sacrificing that eye-catching title. Who cares about what's in-between the title and the end anyway, right?

What's a catchy title? What are most people interested in today? What is one thing that all people have in common?

All people eat. Most people breathe. But is there any interest in these two categories? Sure, eating! Everyone is interested in eating-- whether it's fish, meat, or even vegetables – everyone does it, and almost everyone likes it. The trouble is, people would rather eat than read about it. So eating would not make a good title…

Then how about breathing? The trouble is that I don't want people reminded about breathing so they forget it and I can prove it's not necessary.* So to name it breathing or any thing that has to do with the intake of air would serve only to defeat a growing movement started by one of my previous articles… Just to make this article bold and exciting I would have to ruin a previous work and it would even make less sense. So I will not title it "Breathing", or anything that has to do with the intake of air into human lungs, so that all (?) of my readers will forget about breathing, and thus, prove to themselves that it is not necessary for life. Look at cars, walls, boats, and sidewalks-- do they breathe? No! There, my point is proved.

Do you see how senseless breathing is? Now forget about it! Now what was I leading up to before I took a breather? Well, let's just turn back a bit to look at the title to see ... oh yeaaah. It's funny how things work, you probably see a title there, but I still have no idea what it is, so I see none. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Being kept in the dark is a state that I’m quite used to, yet it is usually not by choice. The suspense is killing me.

Maybe I should put a title in now so that I can refer back to it. I must make it as catchy as possible, leaving out anything that has to do with breathing, a herculean task – but I’m sure that I’m up to it.



                           Inhalingly Yours,

                                                 èim  Uhr




P.S. Is the title as catchy as my





*Read "Bad Breath" by me.*



*("Footnotes, the little dogs yapping at the heals of the text."—William James) 



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